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Sunday, December 31, 2006 ( 12:27 PM ) Rebecca OK, so now I am officially hiding out in the Bay Area suburbs. I have pressed the PAUSE button on my life. I am going around in giant sunglasses and a head kerchief so as not to be plagued by the paparazzi. I am actually even going to spend New Year’s Eve here because I have so many gazillions of invitations in Seattle that I am simply overwhelmed by my own popularity and wouldn’t know how to accept any one invitation without breaking someone’s heart. (Besides I have nothing new to wear). So I am not doing too much of anything. Playing with my niece and nephew, who are now old enough to realize that I am cool and to throw excited fits (screaming, clapping, splashing of bathwater) when I appear. At least these particular fans can't talk yet so they aren't aren’t constantly asking me questions like, “When is the next book coming out BreakupBabe?? Do you have a boyfriend now, Breakup Babe, DO YOU DO YOU? I am writing a lot. Enjoying the plentitude of my family’s refrigerators, so bursting at the seams, unlike my own sad fridge, containing one shriveled pear, and two nearly empty bottles of flat Pellegrino. Catching up with people I haven’t seen in a long time. Including one ex-boyfriend of mine we shall call the Rock Star, who, as I rediscovered, possesses a pair of extremely luscious lips which also have something to do with my prolonged hideout from real life. After tomorow I can't put off the moment of truth any longer. I will return to my empty condo, my dying plants, my nonexistent love life, and my driftless employment situation. But it will be a new year and things will blossom once again someday because that's the way life goes. Happy new year! bb | # E-mail Breakup Babe Tuesday, December 26, 2006 ( 12:00 PM ) Rebecca A great Blahness has descended upon me. Although I love my family dearly, every single negative emotion rises to the surface when I return to the family homestead. Here I fight off boredom, memories of my father, the ghosts of adolescent angst, reports that every other person I grew up with has a blissfully happy marriage and 2.5 kids and is rich from some Silicon Valley startup that is now a billion-dollar behemoth. At times, these feelings cause me to become panicky. I always threaten to flee early. This time they have just made me blah. So blah that I cannot even muster the energy to leave and am staying for two extra days. Of course there is a GIGANTIC STORM coming in which motivates me not to get into an airplane although I flew here in a GIGANTIC STORM too and thank God everything was OK because I was sitting by the emergency exit and would have been responsible for getting everyone out of that damn plane had we crashed, and really, how likely is it that I would have my wits about me in such a situation (although I study the safety card religiously each time I fly and always offer my seatmates Extra spearmint gum as an implicit bribe for helping me put my oxygen on should the need arise). (But for future reference, I like sitting in the emergency exit row and there is more legroom which means my fellow passengers don’t mind as much when I have to go to the bathroom 20 times during the flight, which is an unfortunate result of my nerves that doesn’t mesh very well with the fact that I also *must* sit by the window). In news of the non-Blah, I seem to have finally hacked out a plot for my latest writing project and am excited about it. The story is not a slam-dunk sell the way BreakupBabe was (I knew from the minute I conceived that project that I could sell it, even if it did take two years to do), but it is still a good, timely story with cultural relevance and quirky characters. Ha ha. I say that as if I’ve already written the thing, as if it were a piece of cake to take a good idea and put flesh on it. But at least I’ve got a good idea. Never mind that my mother, when I outlined the plot for her, said I don’t like it at ALL. Thanks, mom! How many novels have YOU sold?! (Actually, she came around a bit when I went into more detail and assured her my main character was not as superficial as she sounded. That was always my problem in writing classes. Your main character is so superficial! my classmates would say. She is NOT! She has a very complicated inner life! I’m, uh, just not enough of a talented writer to show it to you! No one has really complained that Rachel is superficial, however; the main criticism that she gets is that she is “whiny.” Duly noted and my next protagonist not be a whiner! Well, maybe just a little bit of one.) OK, where was I. Oh yes, I am excited about my current fledgling novel. It has taken me a year to get to this point. It was just over a year ago that I handed in the final copyedits for BreakupBabe and since then I have been floundering in a creative purgatory, but now---perhaps I am emerging! Back to news of the Blah, I am in severe need of a numerous chiropractic adjustments, a massage, a Yoga class, a life, and someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve, as well as a cleansing fast to rid my body of all the sugar, fat, caffeine, and alcohol so recently ingested. My most vivacious self has gone into hiding and I present to the world a subdued and boring front that expresses my inner Blah, but other than that, oh, I’m surviving the holidays and I hope you are too. xo BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Tuesday, December 19, 2006 ( 9:54 AM ) Rebecca Hmmph. Yesterday hit a recent low on the Lame-o-Meter. Bleh. Let's say it again. BLEH! Nearly every interaction I had with the male of the species yesterday was pure poison. Boys are icky icky icky! Please get them away from me! The only exception was my reunion with my bandmates, who are all utterly charming, sweet, and guitar-obsessed boys. They are not icky. Even though they talked about guitars and amps and pedals and pickups the whole time and did not understand a word they were saying, except I did understand that maybe we would regroup in the spring. Yay! That was one of only a couple bright, twinkling Christmasey lights in the grim purgatory that was yesterday. As for today, well I guess I just have to try again, because what choice is there? And by the way, thanks for all your many comments -- I do appreciate them even if I don't respond or reciprocate! Yours truly, BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Monday, December 18, 2006 ( 2:50 PM ) Rebecca I had a GREAT morning today, you know why?! I discovered pictures of my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend online! I wasn’t even trying to cyberstalk him, I swear. I have studiously avoided cyberstalking since we broke up because I am EMOTIONALLY HEALTHY AND WELL-ADJUSTED like that! However, today I stumbled - oops! - into a picture of them, arm casually draped around her shoulder as they recover from a day of mountain derring-do that most mere mortals couldn’t even aspire to. Not that I care, of course. I DON’T CARE. Because as you know, my love life has been so spectacularly successful since we broke up that, I have barely had a spare thought for him! I don’t think of him every day – certainly not! I don’t wonder what adventures he’s having or miss any little thing about him like how affectionate or smart or sexy he was--my God, what kind of loser do you think I am? I have plenty to distract me like my career as a bestselling author (check out my Amazon rank today – 450,000!), my world travels to Mexico, my exciting and high-paid new job doing absolutely nothing, and a bevy of well-adjusted, emotionally healthy vying for my love, asking me to marry them, offering to support me, ETC ETC ETC. Yeah. Life is good. Sooooo good. I couldn’t care less that she is some hot shot mountain climber like I could only aspire to be in my secret dreams. Why would I care about such things? Why would I care that as soon as she became available my ex-boyfriend lost all interest in me and went slobbering her way? I tell you, I DON’T CARE. And that feels GREAT! I absolutely love the Internet. I mean, unless you’re Jennifer Aniston and can see your ex strutting around with Angeline Jolie on the cover of every single magazine, how could you discover the kind of things I did today? The touching beautiful snapshot of them that really just WARMED my heart because obviously they are so HAPPY and ADVENTUROUS and AMAZING together hurtling down those avalanche chutes and climbing those sheer rock faces together! I mean, I am so happy FOR them, aren’t you? I really am. So. Happy. Now, if you'll excuse me, there are three plates of fudge sitting outside someone's office nearby and I plan to eat it all. Xo BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Saturday, December 16, 2006 ( 12:03 PM ) Rebecca You will be glad to know I survived one of the worst storms EVER here in wind-whipped Washington. I was sleeping snugly in my bed for most it, the howling winds blocked by all the buildings around me, not a tree in sight that could threaten to fall down and crush me in my sleep. I did, however, practically go insane during some pre-storm madness, getting stuck on the roads for THREE hours for a journey – that earlier that morning – had taken me twenty minutes to complete. !@%$#$(*! Yeah I thought I was being all hot sh*t by skipping work and going skiing, but nooo, that put me back on the east side of Lake Washington squarely at rush hour right before the worst storm EVER, and I paid the price. I have seen Purgatory and it is hundreds of taillights, unmoving, before you, stretching unto eternity. Luckily my ipod and my cell phone both had batteries, and my car had enough gas (barely!) to weather thousands of Seattleites going who the hell knows where at 5 miles per hour on a night they should have been at home! Now Seattle has reverted to its default pale gray. No wind. No rain. No sunshine. Just gray. A damp, biting gray. I never lost power, lucky me, so the whole thing seems unreal (like most tragedies)-the people drowning in basements and getting hit by trees. I saw the detritus and the blacked-out houses but I floated on by it, lucky and unscathed yet more time. (Pause respectfully here and in sadness for those who suffered in this weather disaster before moving onto to completely self-absorbed and fluffy topics). A true romantic prospect eludes me at the moment, but you know what? It feels nice not try too hard. AND PLEASE DON’T TELL ME FROM YOUR PREACHY HIGH HORSE ME THAT I WILL FIND SOMEONE WHEN I STOP LOOKING! It is a horrible, vile thing to say, right up there with “Have a safe flight!” WHY WOULDN’T I HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT?!! Ahem. In other news, since the novel I wrote in the fall is ENCRYPTED and I cannot open it (thanks, former employers!), I am on to the next one which involves a bevy of lovable and confused characters, who I am very much infatuated with at the moment, though I have no idea what they’re doing or where they’re going. It’s going to be a long haul writing this next book, but I am determined--never fear! I keep thinking, oh, maybe I should freelance, get my name out there, take my nose of out fictionland, but for now, with a full(ish)-time job, I can’t spread myself too thin and I find that I’m drawn to the pretend world rather than the real. So I’ll stay in the warm, tropical world of my imagination as winter bears down. I might go somewhere else in a while but I don’t know where that is right now and I don’t care that I don’t know. Actually, I do know where I’m going right now and that’s the gym. My gym, with its badly-flourescent-lit showers, its towels like paper, it’s lack of kickboards at the pool! Hmmph. It does have cable TV at every exercise machine so at least there’s that. Adios, BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Wednesday, December 13, 2006 ( 10:57 AM ) Rebecca There is nothing like getting some stressful news, then dropping your brand new laptop on the street (when it falls out of your unzipped bag), only to then discover that you’ve lost one of your new expensive earrings because you forgot to put the back on it this morning. I am officially the most careless person in the world. I lose everything, from earrings to snowshoes to hats to expensive dresses. (Oops just dropped a big piece of my scone on the ground!). Lost my hairbrush last night, can’t find that pretty and pricey scarf I bought last winter, not to mention two of my winter coats. My brain is a big fuzzball. It is good at figuring out things like what should character X say to character Y but try to get it to read a map and it goes blank. Or fix something mechanical. I have breadth but no depth. I can’t focus on details. They bore me. But they are so important! There are many things I want to do that I can’t because of this. Navigate through the snow. Hang plants from my ceiling. Read the fine print carefully before taking a job so I don’t pick a contracting agency that has the suckiest benefits on the face of the planet. Remember what my family members actually do for a living (something to do with computers?) I need to reread Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance; I know it. I am so out of tune with the physical world. I live in the abstract realms of my own head, which is is filled with useless thoughts that get me nowhere and nothing except a dented laptop, lost earrings, lost in the world. There must be something I’m good at. I just can’t think of what it is right now. Hooking up with the wrong guys, maybe. Yeah, there you go, there’s my talent. There must be something I’m good at. I just can’t think of what it is right now. | # E-mail Breakup Babe Monday, December 11, 2006 ( 9:19 AM ) Rebecca So I had a realization this week about myself. And my writing. My novel, BreakupBabe (WHICH YOU CAN FIND IN ALL THE STORES AND MAKES A GREAT HOLIDAY GIFT BY THE WAY!) is really about one character -- a comic, exaggeration version of moi--and her relationship with herself. A variety of boys move in and out of the story but what it boils down to is one girl's tortured, funny, silly (BUT OH SO-RELATABLE!) journey through her own head. Anyhoo. It is not surprising I wrote such a book. I am a rather narcissistic and more than usually self-absorbed person. While I am a loving affectionate, I rarely consider the impact of my actions on others. I have a hard time seeing from the point of view of anyone who is not me, me, me. I crave company, am sensitive to social nuance, and good with people, yet... I don't usually understand what makes them tick. To be a better person, and a better writer, I need to get inside the heads of other people more. I want my next book to burst with fully-drawn characters relating to each other in complex, dysfunctional ways, because those are the kinds of books I love to read. Have you read, for example, Emperor's Children? I couldn't even tell you exactly what this book is about but I was dazzled by the way the author dove fearlessly into the heads of 4 or 5 main characters and made them come alive, each in their own highly specific way. I want to do that. I'm a little tired of my own head. I want to understand people better and care for them better, both in fiction and in life. The question is, how do I do this, other than just getting older and wiser? Hmm. In other news, my wild weekend has drawn to a close leaving me with nothing but distant memories and a UTI. xo BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Saturday, December 09, 2006 ( 1:32 PM ) Rebecca Bizarre week, my friends. It had everything. Tears, laughter, boredom, despair, s*x, drugs, and ROCK AND ROLL. Oh yeah. Typical week for moi. minus the s*x, drugs, laughter, and rock and roll. Now that my beloved band is on extended hiatus and my own rock star career down the tubes, I still get inspired when I get to see totally killer rock bands like Jet who help me get things right in perspective. “JET DOESN’T LEAVE THE ROOM UNTIL THERE’S A PARTY GOING ON!” yelled the lead singer to Key Arena on Thursday night, and right then I lightened the hell up. At least for the next hour. Then the next day I was my even more-than-usually-uptight self due to a variety of things, including the fact that my new insurance carrier does not have mental health coverage and WTF IS UP WITH THAT?!!! Then there was some s*x and drugs and my mental health was just fine. But it was merely an aberration in my celibate, clean-living lifestyle so we won’t discuss it. Anyhoo. If anyone would like to invite me to any kickin’ New Years’ Eve’s parties, why I’m sorting through my many invitations right now. Everyone could use a quasi-celebrity at their New Year’s Eve party, right? I’ll even sign autographs! Applications for handsome, kissable dates are also being accepted, but let me tell you the competition is fierce. I may be celibate and clean living but I still love a good makeout session more than anything on the planet (except, of course, for a good book). Xo BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Monday, December 04, 2006 ( 4:18 PM ) Rebecca Hmm. I am back at Geeksoft now and remembered something about it. Something good. THERE ARE A LOT OF MEN HERE. How I managed to work here for four straight years and not find a rich husband is a testament to my man-finding retardation. They are everywhere! In every office! Youngish, cutish, not so cutish, long hair, short hair, frat boyish, nerdy, hipster, mega-dork, fat, thin, hungry for love!!! Hungry for the love of a writer girl who will chew them up, spit them out, and turn them into novel fodder, no doubt! Anyway. Blah blah blah. It is nice to be out of that seething cauldron of overwork that was my last job. I'm still contemplating dashing off a note to my old Hallway Crush, though he's probably forgotten me by now if he ever knew who I was in the first place. Hopefully I'll get some new Hallway Crushes right now. 'Cause you know what? I'm BORED. I am really trying to be one with the boredom. To embrace it. To revel in my loneliness and know that if I am not chasing Mr. Wrongs all around town then maybe Mr. Right will show up. But my God. B-O-R-I-N-G. And I refuse to step into that crack den known as the online personals. Because then I will get a million dates and will be very unbored for a short period of time, only to get chewed up and spit out and end up more bored and lonely than before! So there. xo BB | # E-mail Breakup Babe Sunday, December 03, 2006 ( 5:09 PM ) Rebecca Since I have not much to say today except to whine about how tired I am and how my life feels like it is in utter chaos, what with boxes clothes bathing suits books strewn everywhere, I thought, instead I would put up an old and somewhat entertaining post. It is in honor of one of my fave ex-boyfriends, The Celebrity, who always complained about his nickname The Celebrity and how I was "mocking" him, because really he's only a quasi-celebrity (though more of one than me!), but anyway, as you can see from yesterday's comments, he now calls himself "The Celebrity" so he must have kind of liked the name after all. He also had the honor of being the first guy I dated post-losing-my-anonymity, and though I tried desperately to keep it secret from him, discovered my blog before our first date and had a mini-freakout before deciding, ok, he would go out with me after all. Then I promised I wouldn't write about him. Ha. Sunday, May 08, 2005 ( 8:44 PM ) Breakup Babe Last week, Breakup Babe experienced the fastest, most unemotional breakup of her breakup-laden life. It took all of thirty seconds and went something like this: The Cute Personals Ad Stoner Guy with Whom She Had, Alas, No F*cking Emotional Connection Whatsoever (CPASGWWSHANFECW) calls her and says: “Hey, how’s it going?” BB: “Oh, OK. You?” (BB has already decided she will not break up with him over the phone but will wait until she sees him that night, 'cause she's a classy kind of gal.) CPASGWWSHANFECW: “Oh, fine.” BB: (Oh my God, we always have the most boring conversations). “So, what’s up for tonight?” (No doubt he'll try to get me to have have sex with him again even though we have no f*cking connection whatsoever. The only reason I did it that other time was because he had such a big c*ck.). CPASGWWSHANFECW: “Well (hesitates), I don’t think this is going anywhere, so I’m going to bail on tonight.” BB: (Vastly relieved yet also annoyed, because she should have been the one to do it first!) “Oh really? That’s SO interesting, because I was going to say the SAME thing!" (I mean, you have a large c*ck and sexy eyes and have been perfectly pleasant up til now, but – guess what - we have have no f*cking emotional connection whatsoever! ) CPAGWWSHANFECW: “Cool.” BB: “OK, well have a good life.” CPAGWWSHANFECW: “Yeah, you too.” Click. So that was THAT. Quick and easy! And thank God, because I have much bigger fish to fry. However, lest this racy post with its return to old form get your hopes up, don't get your hopes up. Because, while I am dating someone else with whom I actually *can* have a good conversation (and oh so much more) I'm not *!$ing allowed to write about him. Believe me, I would have plenty of racy stuff to say too. I mean, about feelings and stuff. Mmm, feelings. At the risk of getting the boot, however, I will give him a pseudonym: The Celebrity. And no it's not Brad Pitt. We only went one ONE beach getaway together, and the whole time all he could talk about was: Do I get a part in the movie, do I, do I? Brad - Jesus - if you could act - maybe! I am giving him a bit part, however, because he did do me some "favors," and besides, he has a large - oh, never mind. I'll say this much - Angelina can have him, OK? In other news, nice weather we've been having lately, dontchya think? And how about those Mariners?! Yeah, I'm boring, I KNOW. But I must keep my word. Must. keep. my. word. | # E-mail Breakup Babe |
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