Monday, January 09, 2006
( 7:47 PM ) Rebecca
In this week's dating advice column, we explore the cold, hard world of closure and how you go about getting it.
Dear Breakup Babe,
I need advice. I have been dating someone for 2 months and I fell in love, way too fast. The only reason why is because I slept with him way too soon. I wouldn't care that much if I hadn't.
Anyway, I know I need to end it because this guy is no good for me. We are intimate, and then he disappears for days. I know I need to walk away, but at the same time I feel I need closure. So what is best, to talk it out and get closure? Or just disappear and not return any of his phone calls?
Unfortunately he lives and works nearby so I know I will run into him. Argh. I hate feeling so "unresolved".
Fell In Love Too Fast (FILTF)
Oh my darling, we have all been there. I know very well well both the pain you are feeling, as well as the desire for “closure.”
However, much as you want things to be “resolved,” I think you need to resolve them within yourself rather than trying to involve him in this process. I know that when I’ve craved “closure” in the past, it’s really been a secret desire for me to see (insert name of unavailable guy) one last time and give him a final chance to say “But wait – never mind all the evidence to the contrary – I really DO want you! (Beg, beg, grovel, grovel, self-esteem all restored, birds singing, sun shining, O glorious future!).
You already “know” that you need to end it. So I say end it. NOW. It doesn’t mean you have to disappear in the cruel way he does. It means you could write him a letter and tell him why it’s over. It means you could answer the phone next time he calls you and tell him why it’s over. It means next time you could run into him, you could politely tell him get the f*ck out of your life (preferably while looking extremely hot).
The important thing is not the letter-writing or the phone call, though – it’s that you believe it yourself, right now. Just end it: in your heart and in your head. Do something symbolic – like delete that voicemail message of his you’ve been saving on your phone for months or the sweet e-mails he wrote you when he was feeling h*rny.
This is a unilateral decision and the sooner you make it, the sooner you will find a guy who is better for you. Oh sure he has the right to appeal when you hand down your verdict. In fact, it’s likely he will try to woo you back in some fashion, because after all, he’s gotten a good deal up until now.
But don’t take him back unless he swears up and down that he wants a serious relationship (because that’s what you want, right?), and even then you probably shouldn’t take him back. Unless he begs really hard.
I can hardly believe I'm saying this (me!) but there are lots of wonderful boys out there who will seek out intimacy rather than flee from it. They may be hard to find, but you will find one eventually. First, though you need to back yourself out of this dead end at full speed.
E-mail Breakup Babe