Tuesday, December 06, 2005
( 4:32 PM ) Rebecca
Today we have a guest blogger, Mr. Helpful, who was generous enough to provide this detailed update as to my whereabouts. (Trixie will check in as soon as she returns from Milan, where she has been partying with the Italian soccer team.)
Dateline: Whistler Mountain, Great White North Tuesday, December 6th HNN (Helpful News Network)
Amidst great sighs of relief from the general public, Whistler Mountain skier Breakup Babe was found yesterday, unharmed, after a massive search.
"Hey guys, how's it going?" BB said as she was pulled from a giant snow drift. "Anyone wanna pre-order my book?"
BB was discovered upside down in the snow bank with only the tips of her skis sticking out of the white powder.
"Geesh, we thoot she was a goner fer sure, head down in the snow like that, eh?" said Martin Levesque, a full, red blooded Canadian with French overtones. "But then we saw her wiggle her ski tips in a really cute fashion and we knew she was ok, eh?"
"Ya, and after we got her oot of the snow, she told us to go away and send some really hunky ski gods to save her, eh?" added rescuer Frenchy Le Pew.
"Then she jumped back into the snow drift and began wiggling her ski tips really fast, eh? So we did what she said because, you know, she's American and all of that, eh. We went and got Ben and Hank. They used to be lumberjacks in the Great White North. Now they lift rail cars up by hand for a living. She seemed a lot happier when them two showed up and they dont even know how to ski, eh?"
When asked how she ended up in the snow bank in the first place, BB had one word.
"Paparazzi. I was running from the paparazzi, those bastards. My book isn't even out and they're camping outside my hotel room, bugging me at dinner and chasing me down the sides of great big mountains. I tried to offer them a million dollars Canadian to leave me alone and they threw it back at me, saying that's only like two dollars American so dont make them laugh, eh? So I had to jump into that snow drift in order to escape from them.
Sergeant Pierre Boulanger of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police smiled as he admired BB's cute ski bunny outfit and listened to her tale of woe.
"Yeah, it's a story we hear often up here in the Great White North, eh?,"
he said. "Heck fire, there was one time when famous Canadian actor, Martin Short, actually had to pretend he was a man to escape the photographers. Sure was funny, watching him butch up like that."
Reporters tried to get a final comment from BB but she was too busy being lifted up by Ben and Hank to say anything other than "Get lost, losers, can't you see I'm busy?"
You are now up to date via HNN (Helpful News Network).
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