Saturday, May 01, 2004
( 1:50 PM ) Rebecca
Please ignore my deluded, egomaniac ramblings of yesterday. I was high on too little sleep, too much caffeine and sugar, and hope battling it out with despair.
When I'm scared of never finding love again - as I so often am - I turn to my dreams and I pump them up and inflate them into bright, candy-colored visions of fluff and nothingness.
Oh sure I want to be famous. Sure I want to be a bestselling writer and have people adore me. But it's not what's going to make me a whole person.
What will help is to focus on finding someone with a heart big enough and brave enough to love me forever. Who will be there for me no matter where my artistic dreams take me.
What's NOT going to help me is having a relapse with The Captain. It wasn't intentional, I swear to God! I didn't plan to see him last night! Oh I thought he MIGHT be there, seeing as this friend of his was organizing our little outing. Oh and maybe I mentioned to him I was going but more as a warning so that he WOULDN'T go, really! But then who was sitting there at the bar when I walk in, innocent as you please, looking cute and devilish as ever? That's right - Captain Kangaroo!
Now it's one thing to avoid seeing someone, it's another to resist someone when they just appear, and when you sit next to them you're all over each other as if no time had passed - as if you hadn't written that breakup letter, as if you don't know it's never going ANYWHERE because the F*CKER IS F*CKED UP. Yes, my children, that act of resistance was beyond me.
And now I'm sad and sleep-deprived and crashing and thinking I'm never going to be able to rewrite this book the way they want me to despite three hours spent trying, and why hasn't CBW responded to my invitation for tonight, and why can't The Captain just get his act together and love me?
(Note to mother: please stop reading here.)
I did NOT give up the you-know-what card last night despite massive temptation, and oh, I could sense the ambivalence The Cap's reptilian brain as we steamed up his bedroom - Me want sex! Me no want committment! But me want sex very VERY bad! Sex committment Sex committment maybe maybe maybe NO! ME NO WANT COMMITTMENT! But me want sex - oh but that will do -oh oh OH OHHHHHHHHH. Yeah baby."
Hmmph. I shouldn't have even given him that much. But if it had gone on any longer I might have given up my virtue and GOD KNOWS I CAN'T DO THAT because I'M SAVING IT FOR MY FUTURE HUSBAND!
Damn damn damn damn damn.
Please move along folks. There's nothing to see here. A little emotional wreckage. A little underslept, undernourished, overstimulated and lovelorn little chickette but nothing more. MOVE ALONG!
Just let me take a nap, god d*mn it.
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