Wednesday, March 17, 2004
( 9:40 AM ) Rebecca
This work week is only two and one-eighths of the way done and already it's been a bitch.
Yours truly has been down in the dumps.
Yes, I know I have my health. A cush job. A swank apartment. Everything I could possibly want, actually! Except a dog. A cute boy to love for sure and forever.
And my dad.
My dad died six years ago tomorrow.
Back then, I was kind of a mess (if you can imagine that). Gainfully employed, yes, precariously launched on my career path as a writer, but still struggling with the discipline and drive it would take to succeed. I had a boy to love, but it was a dead-end street and I didn't want to admit it.
My father, though, always talked me through everything. If I needed advice, I called him. If I needed encouragement, I called him. If I'd just done something I was proud of, I called him.
In the last few years, our relationship was better on the phone. The few times a year I saw him in person were always a shock. During the last few years, he looked sicker each time. More hollow, more withdrawn, more frail. I didn't know what to say to bring back the man who had been the sarcastic and charismatic center of our family for so long.
But on the phone, he was always talkative. Enthusiastic. Excited to hear about my life, my plans, my outdoor adventures. I went out and had adventures just so I could tell him about them.
Not long before he died, I dreamt I was walking down a busy street talking to him on a cell phone. As I walked through a crosswalk, the line faded in and out several times.
"Dad," I yelled! "Dad!" I could hear his voice still, but it was garbled. Not making any sense.
Then I lost the signal altogether.
I've still got my mom and L'il Sis of course. The newest addition to the family - Super-Brother-in-Law. A passel of great friends.
But this time of year, especially, I miss my dad.
There's only so many people in your life who will love you unconditionally. And if you're lucky, which I was, your father is one of those people.
And when you've spent the last year dealing with heartbreak and grief, and trying to get your shit together again so that you can love someone and they can love you - well, that unconditional Dad love would come in real handy right about now.
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