Tuesday, March 30, 2004
      ( 8:50 AM ) Rebecca  
OK. So here I am, two months after the latest dating frenzy began, back -- almost -- where I began.

A little older, yes. A little grayer - probably - though my expensive coppery blonde highlights cover it up, mostly. Further along with my book, which means: at least all these stupid guys aren't getting in the way of my quest for bestsellerdom- I mean, artistic fulfillment.

Hipster Hottie Boy seems to have taken himself completely out of the picture. Gone. Like the Wind. Maybe he's got some other action going on, or maybe he was just pretending to swoon over me all evening long on our date, way back when, when I used to have dates, or maybe he's just a girly man. In any case, WHO NEEDS HIM?

He was just a backup for the Captain anyway. Cap'n Fear of Intimacy (CFI), that is.

After our little Discussion on Sunday, I have determined that I should probably toss him overboard before he sinks this little ship. The only problem is, he didn't make that as easy for me as I would have liked. That's because he is passive. Can we spell that children? P-A-S-S-I-V-E.

Captain afraid to make decisions. Captain no want to face own feelings. Captain say, let girl do all work! Much easier! Let girl decide where this going!

I made my position perfectly clear: things aren't working out the way they are, let's either crank it up or ditch this puppy here and now.

It would have been much easier for yours truly if CFI had said sorry, babe, I can't take this any further with you. Love it or leave it. And I would have left it. Toute de suite.

Instead he waffled, hemmed and hawed, changed the subject numerous times, and ultimately put the ball back in my court. Gave me some small indication that, if I expressed exactly how I wanted this relationship to change, he might step up.

The problem is, I don't believe it. But I want to. Of course I want to! I'm a sucker! We all know that. A sucker with a heart that's too big for my own good! A heart that's big, and warm, and open enough to give half of it to him to replace that scared little thing encased in bubble wrap that he's got "beating" in there.

Sigh. That severely underpaid dating coach, GalPal #1 told me in no uncertain terms to dump him. Surrogate family A. and J. advised the same thing. Guypal #1 told me to step back and think about whether the CFI really has the qualities I want in a man. But if I did that, the answer would be NO, NO, NO!

Because The Captain is still a boy, not a man.

But I have a weakness for boys. Clearly, indubitably, obviously, sadly. I myself don't want to grow up, isn't that clear? Why else would I fall for the ones who just aren't ready for me - time and again?
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