Thursday, February 06, 2003
      ( 9:56 PM ) Rebecca  
OK, I am not going to beat myself up over my addiction to boys, sex, drama.

(And doesn't this woman sound like my evil twin?)

I want love, just like every other human being on this godforsaken planet. The problem is, and I have just realized it, I am on the f*cking rebound.

My relationship with SBDB? Rebound. That's why I want what he can't give: constant warmth and affection like I got from Loser before he went to the Bad Place.

OK, take a guess; who am I?


RIGHT! I am SBDB. Now I am HOT because I'm having s*x with you but now I am COLD because well, I could be out at a bar meeting other women right now (not that I really do because I am not very suave but, who knows, if I weren't with you I COULD be!) Oh, I am not being fair. But who gives a sh*t? I can crucify him if I want for dramatic effect, N'EST-CE-PAS?

Yesterday I saw Loser with his new companion. That made my day, as you can imagine. Especially when I waved and said "HI!" and they both ignored me.

Well excuse me! What have I ever done to THEM except be alive and intimidatingly hot?

I cried afterwards. Cried and cried.

And then I realized that all these boys lo these many months? The LRS and Memphis Boy and The Doctor and SBDB? Rebound rebound rebound rebound. Lookin for love in all the wrong places, lookin for love in all the wrong faces, as they say.

Looking for that thing I lost that's never coming back again. At least not until I sit back, take a break, and let it come to me instead of chasing it frantically down every dark alley in Seattle.

Well, now it's time to look inside myself. And I always make these resolutions about how I'm not gonna date for for a month or a week but it ends up lasting about a day, til the next cute boy asks me out and then I feel bad, like look how weak I am.

So I won't make resolutions. Except to try to overcome my fear. The fear that I'll never find anyone again and die old and alone and childless and that if I just keep dating x,y,z, I'll find that "security" I had just six short months ago and will never be lonely again for the rest of my life of course until x,y,z dies in which case maybe I'll be old and alone but not childless.

Anyway, you get the picture.
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