Sunday, January 26, 2003
      ( 5:37 PM ) Rebecca  
OK, let’s talk about ME for a second.

Oh wait, we always talk about me, don’t we? Well, I want to talk about ME some more. And here’s what I want to say.

When is it going to be MY turn, dammit?

I want to know when the hell I get to date someone who’s funny?

I deserve it, don’t I? Someone to make me laugh?

My boyfriends have been smart. They’ve been good-looking. Most of them have even had a decent sense of humor. But not a single one of them has been funny.

Loser’s idea of a “joke” was that every time someone said, “I love so-and-so” -- for example, “I love this song” -- he would respond with a coy, smug look on his face and say, “Why don’t you marry it then?!” This was charming the first time I heard it. Exactly once. But I had to hear it over and over ad nauseum for two years. The fact that I didn’t see this for the sign it was just goes to show how big was my blind spot in that little venture.

Many of my friends and loved ones have funny mates, and several of my friends are jokesters themselves: the kind of people you like to be around because you know they’re going to make you laugh and therefore feel better about life.

Now I know you don't have to be funny to be a good mate. But I grew up with funny people. And there is a very high quality bar for wit within my own family. Not only is there’s L’il Sis, Super Brother In Law (SBL), and Li’l Brother of Super Brother in Law (LBSBL), there is/was dear old Dad.

No I know I badmouthed him the other day. And maybe this is my way of saying sorry. But I realized last night, while talking to Galpal #2, that the reason I haven’t found the right person yet is because – not to get all Oedipal and stuff -- but none of these boys have been enough like my father.

My dad was a smart-ass, irreverent, sarcastic SOB, and one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. Sometimes he turned that snide humor on us, but just as often, we all laughed together, and he encouraged us in our own smart-ass ways. If Li'l Sis or I got back a good line on him during a skirmish, it could defuse his short temper, and when he laughed, we knew we had won not only the battle, but a little more of his respect.

And he was a big teaser. Sometimes merciless and mean, it’s true. But I grew up believing that teasing was a sign of love and affection, and I learned to take it and give it with (not quite) equal skill. None of my boyfriends have ever known how to do this, either. And Lord knows, Loser especially, couldn’t take it.

Hence, a certain lack of frisson in my love life.

And while we’re on the subject of ME and what I want, I’d like to add something to the list. I want a boyfriend that I can talk to, and not know where the time has gone. Oh, there can be comfortable silences and all that. But I’m a big talker, and I want someone who can match me in that department. Who can parry and thrust and play with words, who can argue and tease and joke, who can throw in literary references without trying, and most of all, will hardly ever run out about things he wants to talk to me about.

Silent But Deadly Boy (SBDB) sometimes lives up to his name a little too much in the “silent” department. Once he’s lubricated with drugs and alcohol, he can talk OK. And for now, he makes up for it in other ways. But I know from experience that if your conversation is not sparky to begin with, it never will be.

Last night, GalPal #2 described a recent drive with her boyfriend, where they got to their destination and didn’t even want to get out of the car, because they still had so much to say to each other.

And something clicked in my head. I've never had that before, but I've never realized that I've never had that before. And now that I've realized that I've never had it before, I realize I really want it. Is that so much to ask?
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This blog was the inspiration for my novel. It helped me get through a horrible breakup and kept me entertained for years. But all good things must come to an end. I will recycle oldies but goodies from the archives here, but will blog about about writing here, and about all kinds of other stuff here.

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