Sunday, October 06, 2002
      ( 11:49 AM ) Rebecca  

Once upon a time, a roommate of mine placed a personals ad and received a charming response from a non-native English speaker, which ended in the following way:

“P.S. I am a very happy person and do not have much emotional luggage.”

Lucky him!

There are benefits to staying single into your 30s, like financial independence and sex with lots of different boys. But there are disadvantages too, one of those being that I am now saddled with way too much emotional luggage (none of it matching, I might add).

And now, post-Loser, I have a big new piece of ugly-ass luggage (plaid, if you can believe it!). And, if you were to look inside, here are just a few of the items you’d find:

  • Trust issues

  • Abandonment issues

  • Self-esteem issues

  • Fear of falling in love again

  • Fear of never falling in love again

  • Fear of getting married

  • Fear of never getting married

  • Fear that I am evil, controlling selfish bitch who drives men away

To name just a few.

And then there is the question of the rebound. Am I on the rebound? Sexy Boy (SB) claims I am (his “excuse” for not going out with me). But what does it mean to be on the rebound? Is the first relationship post-breakup always a rebound? Does that mean it is by default doomed, and that you just have to get it over with?

Three years ago to the month, when I was mourning the breakup of a less serious relationship, over which I got much more depressed (having not yet discovered the wonder drug, *Celexa,* which I recently recommended to so-sad Sour Bob), I fell into a “relationship” with a rock-climbing (what else?) district attorney. And oh. My. Was the sex ever hot. Scorching!

But we could not hold a conversation to save our sex-addled lives. This was a guy who was smart, literate, outdoorsy. Everything, on paper, that I look for. And when he walked in the door, my knees – quite literally – got weak.

Doing my usual thing, I convinced myself that someday we’d have something to talk about.This had to be more than just scorching sex! Then, after three weeks, he dumped me. I felt bad for a couple days, certain I’d never have sex that scintillating again (I haven't). But then I got over it. And more than that, I got a little more over my ex.

Now it’s October again, and my love life seems poised to improve. But the plaid luggage is weighing me down. As I (possibly) sidle into a l’il something with L’il Rockclimber Boy (LRB), who is, by the way SOOO cute, I don’t know where my head’s at.

Do I really like him? Is this just a fling? Is this just a rebound? Do I even know that yet? Do I need to figure that out yet? Don’t I need to keep dating? How can I keep dating when I’m kissing someone and enjoying it so much? If I keep dating, do I tell him? Is he seeing anyone else? Is he even going to call today like he said he would?

All of a sudden I’m just like the girl in the Offspring song,

I'm seeing this girl and she just might be out of her mind

Well she's got baggage and it's all the emotional kind

She talks about closure and that validation bit

I don't mean to be insensitive, but I really hate that shit…”

Sorry boys!

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This blog was the inspiration for my novel. It helped me get through a horrible breakup and kept me entertained for years. But all good things must come to an end. I will recycle oldies but goodies from the archives here, but will blog about about writing here, and about all kinds of other stuff here.

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