Sunday, October 13, 2002
      ( 9:24 PM ) Rebecca  
Now that things have gotten hot n’ heavy with the L’il Rocklimbing Spy (LRS) – who possesses an irresistible combination of nice muscles, soft lips, and macho swagger -- my chastity is being put to the test.

And I’m forced to wonder. Am I being arbitrary when I say I don’t want to go all the way? (Excuse my quaint turns of phrase, but I'm a nice girl at heart.) Why does that one little act that have so much significance even though it is just slighty different (a little tug there, a little pull there, and ohhhh yeah) from all the other stuff you’re doing ?

In this libertine age, there seems such an arbitrary line between going all the way and going part way. I have told myself many times in the past that I was not going to have sex with so-and-so, only to have sex with so-and-so because it seemed silly not to— after all weren’t we practically doing it anyway?

But that’s a load of crap and I’ve always known it.

So, in keeping with my new evolved personality, I’ve shown remarkable restraint with LRS. But it ain’t easy. Because after all, I’m only human. ™ I have my needs, you know. And it’s been more than three months since I’ve gotten it nice and reg'lar. That’s too *$@#$! long!

Nonetheless, despite pressure from the youngster, I haven’t caved yet and I’m happy about it, dammit. Because once I do, I’m gonna be:

  1. More vulnerable
  2. More neurotic
  3. Even more poised to fall in love with him than I already am

When really, despite his massive potential, he is bright, bold, brash wine that is just not ready to drink (unlike moi, who is in the flower of my ripeness and, uh, drinkability).

And, never mind the fact that it would be totally inappropriate for me to do so at this time with this person, I am freakin’ scared to fall in love with someone again! I always thought people who claimed to be “scared” of relationships were full of shit. But that was before I had been cheated on, lied to, and cruelly mistreated by the person I most loved and trusted in the entire world (swelling violins PLEASE!).

The question is, seeing that I he is, in fact, oh-so-foxy, and I am, in fact, only human, how long can I hold out?

And if I were a guy, would this be easier?

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