Sunday, August 25, 2002
      ( 9:58 AM ) Rebecca  


For some reason, and I have done this ever since I can remember, I’ll stake my whole life on a crush. I am not capable of having just a little crush. Unless I’m in a happy relationship, and then I’m surprisingly good at limiting myself to a little “ooh, he’s sexy,” or, maybe, “ooh, if I weren’t dating M. I would like to (go out with) (sleep with) Y.!” And then I happily go home with M. (Even though, unbeknownst to me, M. has just drunkenly confessed to Y. that he cheated on me and wants to dump me because he now believes he is God’s gift to women, but that’s a whole different story).

But if I’m single, no such luck. In the course of one workday or one evening, my whole world can (and does, quite often) get turned upside down. “Oh my GOD,” I think, as I toss and turn in bed, “I REALLY like him. He REALLY likes me. We are SO meant for each other! I have NEVER felt this way before! I have NEVER met anyone like him before!” These fevered thoughts are based on one conversation or one look or some “profound” feeling in my soul that is probably just the result of too much tequila.

Then, for a day, or a week, or a month – however long it takes my daydream to crash and burn, I lose whatever serenity I may have accrued since the last crush. Suddenly Z. becomes the ONLY man I can ever love–even though I might have met him only two days ago, even though two days ago, I felt exactly the same way about W., until he failed to return my e-mail (but maybe his e-mail isn’t working?); even though two months ago, I was in the process of getting dumped by M. and thinking I would never, ever be attracted to any one else again for the rest of my pathetic, lonely life.

Once I’m actually in love, a different set of blinders goes on. “Ooh, so you don’t speak to anyone in your family, and you’re extremely moody, and have been on antidepressants for five years completely unsupervised – but that’s OK! It doesn’t mean anything!” I lose all perspective and feel like this must work out at all costs or my life will become a lonely, living Hell. Even when I realize, deep down, that something is wrong, I hold on with a death grip until the bitter end until I (at least in recent years) end up getting dumped. When I should be the one doing the dumping!

So now that I’m a single girl let loose once again upon the world of men, the crush roller coaster is beginning. I can’t seem to stay off this ride no matter how dumped I get. All I can do is fasten my seatbelt and hope that maybe, somewhere inside, I’ve learned something that will keep me safer this time.

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